Life's Illusions

The singer Joni Mitchell once penned a song with the lyrics: it's lifes illusions I recall/I really don't know life at all. Indeed I suppose we have all been disillusioned in our time. In many ways I have felt disappointed in people when I have had higher expectations than they can live up to. Another thing I have felt is that I become less certain of myself as I grow older.

Do to others as you would like them to do for you.

It means a great deal to me that I am unique, that I don't have a clone, that nobody can make quite the same kind of contribution to the well being of the human race as I can. I suppose one of my significant aims is to fulfill my potential or come close to it. I am not especially in pursuit of popularity as I know that it is both fleeting and superficial although I suppose I want to understand people and feel that I have something worthwhile to learn from everyone I meet. I think that it is no coincidence that each of us are born with two ears and a mouth. One of my greatest desires is to be understood and I think everybody wants that. If I try to make it my aim to understand people then hopefully they might return the favour. But even if not I desire peace of mind and a clear conscience.

If I desire something from others then to be that for them would be a good starting point.

Superficial Judgements

In society we are taught to label people according to their disability. I have a good friend that is blind I have known her for over 20 years and know so much about her. I recognise that her disability is only a very small part of what she amounts to. But in terms of classification she is seen in terms of the one thing she can't do which most people can and not the many things she can do that most people can't. She's not my friend because of this disability but for the many things she is good at like being down to earth, a good listener and memoriser, a confident, having a vast array of knowledge that she can apply appropriately, an ability to grasp my rather offbeat and complex sense of humour, the fact that I feel able to show more sides of myself towards her than perhaps anybody. She even managed to hold down a job as a computer programmer for more than 20 years something which even with my sight I couldn't manage.

As a worker in mental health I am especially aware of a tendency to label individuals in terms in terms of their illness. A common phrase is to say 'this person is schizophrenic or this person is autistic in the same sense as someone would say the food is horrible. Having spent a good part of my adult life working with people with Schizophrenia and Autism. I have come to realise that there are vast differences and complexities in everybody alive. It would be true to say 'this person has Schizophrenia or Autism although even wording it like this could lead to an array of wrong assumptions. Even intelligent, sensitive people seem to assume a kind of Jekyll and Hyde syndrome for the condition of Schizophrenia hence popular humour that comes out with such witicisms as 'you are never alone with Schizophrenia'. Having spent extensive time working in the field of Mental Health I haven't really ever seen that although I have seen a lot of depression and fear.

One of the great things I find about being a Christian is that I am never regarded in a knee jerk, superficial sense not even in terms of my many failings and weakness's but in terms of my potential. I am so glad and blessed that when God sees me he regards my abilities and he is far more patient and hopeful about me than I am about myself.

Legacy/Destiny

There is a thought that the person that we are today is to a large degree the product of all our past decisions and what we choose today will be formative in who we become tomorrow. Even from the perspective of this life being our only life based on the notion that the universe is ulltimately a meaningless accident, the decisions that we make are terribly important (if we care at all about our legacy.) But if there are even the possibility of such things as a God, design, immortality etc then we have to reckon to an eternal dimension to our decisions.

This perspective is very sobering indeed.

Coincidences

Yesterday afternoon I called on my next door neighbour and asked if she could have my second flat key if the circumstance arose that I locked myself out. She was quite willing to take on this role only she asked me, almost half - assuming, if I knew about her current circumstances. When I assured her that I knew nothing about them she then informed me that she had just locked herself out of her own flat and that the timing of such an intervention was rather comical. She further emphasisied the irony of the whole situation and mentioned a similar kind of occurence recently with another friend. My natural inclination is to put such events down to God's grand scheme of things, which could still be true only this lady - although sharing a basic faith with me in an 'otherness' didn't have anything approaching the comparatively clear cut and fixed view of God that I held.

Such coincidental occurences have happened to me before sometimes in clusters such as the occasion that I climbed on to a train and found myself sitting next to my best mate from university and then on arrival at my intended stop met my second best from university, unexpectedly at the station (perhaps less strange but after the first event I was more open). There was a third event that was more complex to explain than the previous two during the course of my visit that further added to my sense of things happening that transcended comprehension.

One further event that comes immediately to mind in this context is that a former home group leader at Church not only went to school with my brother but was one of his 'best mates.' Has this achieved anything lasting and noteworthy for him, me or my brother? Well not that i'm aware - it is just that I put it down to the workings of a mighty God that goes beyond my understanding.

Maybe one day it'll all make sense.

My Journey

It was somewhat ironic that I began this blog with the title 'My Journey' as it was originally intended to be just a working name -soon to be replaced. But as time has gone by I can't think of anything that can more accurately title the varied range of themes and perspectives to which this blog encompasses. Certainly, we all have physical journey's in our lives where we begin at one point and end in another. But to me the journey of this short life: the journey of growing up, of growing older of being refined through an abundance of experiences and decisions: a journey into or even away from ourselves: a journey into or away from the truth.

Today I felt that I entered into a new phase of my personal journey where a corner was turned in my approach to the human condition and human relationships. An artiface that kept me distant from certain types of relating and thinking was pulled down. I doubt whether anyone will notice much immediate change, I don't know whether I will. There is a Psalm about our 'Hearts being set on Pilgrimage' where the place of total vulnerability is also the place of total safety.

One secret is to retain an endless fascination with learning lessons - to forever be moving forward.

Circumstances

There are times in life when we are misrepresented, when people come to conclusions about us that arn't accurate. It is easy to become self-righteous and angry at such times but it is a far better approach to ask ourselves: 'What can I learn through this?' People can often be limited in understanding and in their evaluation. It is often far better to find common ground than to win and argument and be disliked. Sometimes we have to forfeit our desire for friendship in order to pursue the honourable path but more often it is far better to let matters drop and be the kind of person with whom others respect and can confide. Silence can often achieve far more than seeking to justify ourselves.

For often the first to raise his voice loses the argument.

Various Thoughts

As a leader of a writer's group I place a great emphasis on productivity. Between November and January I had a spate of inspiration whilst in recent months my creative 'muse' appears to have run dry. One factor is that I was being influenced over the productive period by the desire to write. I don't currently have the desire. I am wondering whether I should force or push myself or alternatively run with my inclination. When I write things and sometimes even when I merely speak, words appear to emerge that are beyond what I feel that I could put together on the basis of my own abilities and experiences. It appears as if something else kicks in. Some things I attempt struggle to get off the ground whether other things fly and glide with grace.

I continually feel that I am pursuing something delicate on the perifery of my vision and if I try too hard I will somehow negate it. I am also not sure what kind of judge I am of my own output. Sometimes I write and say something that I find distinctly mediocre and people react by saying how wonderful it was. Uplifted and encouraged I write the same thing again only to be met with a stony silence. Somebody once said that perseverence is the key to life. Well it is certainly important together with a strong sense of self respect. Not to be ruled by the opinions of others. Sometimes you will be loved, sometimes hated, sometimes laughed at, sometimes ignored, sometimes applauded. Often a person's reaction will say more about that other person than you.

Uncertainty

There is one certainty in life which is that virtually nothing is certain. In late 2004 my place of work closed down and in early 2006 the same thing happened. Thankfully I worked for the NHS so on both occasions had a sideways move. In recent years I have heard about a couple of people I know suddenly dying and have known other instances of people suddenly disappearing. There have been other concerns such as Bird flu and Swine Flu and I have heard conflicting reports about the current credit crunch and about the likelihood possible immanent environmental catastrophy. There is, however, one absolute certainty which is physical death. The poet Philip Larkin rightly observed in one of his last pieces: 'most things might never happen, this one will.....'

The question remains 'What lies beyond?'

Friendships are fragile

One clear conclusion to which I have come in recent weeks is that friendships can be fragile. Even one sentence not adequately thought through can cause a person to go running and the previous 100 sentences are, it seems, soon forgotten. Maybe there were 4 or 5 things wrong with my previous 100 sentences but I wasn't told so I continue in blissful ignorance. If I am fortunate some well meaning person will alert me to maybe 2-3 of the things that I said that did the damage and if I am fortunate the person that ran off will return although this isn't always the case. The problem is that there is a danger of over compensating for the loss and if somebody doesn't reply more can be read into it than simple reluctance to communicate: they could be busy or away or not very good at sharing their feelings.

In the words of TS Eliot from Ash Wednesday 'teach me to care and not to care'. In other words care enough about other people to demonstrate love but don't allow personal feelings to be too upset if somebody kicks you in the teeth as a result of caring. It was Eliot again who said in his Four Quartets that 'Humankind can't take too much reality'. I have to accept too that I share in that state myself. For not only is it true that we should 'be gentle with (our)selves' but we owe it to others to be gentle with them too.

Dealing with people / No man is an Island

People are the most complex and awkward things to deal with. It is possible to get annoyed and irritated with inanimate things but not be deeply wounded or hurt. Furthermore inanimate things cannot misunderstand or deliberately misrepresent. They remain as they are left give or take a very slow form of natural erosion. Even animals have a predictabity about them. But even a complete misanthrope cannot claim total independence. After all most inanimate objects were created by and for humans and many such as computers exist largely to enrich and enable human communication. The misanthrope himself owes his very existence to an activity between human beings and a nurturing from the same.

Yes only that which is human can truly break a person's heart although true healing can only come from that source. There is a song by Simon & Garfuncle called 'I am a Rock' portraying isolation as ultimately a barrier from being totally human and ends tellingly with the words 'And a rock sheds no tears and an island never cries' as if tears (along with heartache and heartbreak together with hope and healing) are the ultimate sign of being human.

And being human is what we are created to be.

Blessing in Disguise

One thing about many kinds of adversity is that it frequently opens the door to blessing. Over the past week or so I have been laid low by a condition called Early Onset Parkinsonism. This has made walking and moving around very difficult. But this setback has provided a setting for various pleasant situations. I live centrally and am very close to the shops. I live very close to my local church from where I get so much support. I have recently suffered from back pain and have discovered a very reasonable Osteopath service again very close to where I live. Apart from havng a nearby park, a nearby river and being able to hear birds sing and leaves russle in the sunny morning. I have ease of communication via emails, facebook, a landlne etc, a colour TV, a guitar I enjoy playing and much else.

The example of Jackie Pullinger

A couple of nights ago I saw a documentary on Jackie Pullinger an inexperienced 22 year old girl who wanted to be a missionary climbed on a boat and asked to Lord to show her what stop to get off. The seeming complete lack of wisdom in the whole enterprise came when she believed it was her destiny to work amongst the violent gangs of drug pushers and pimps in. Hong Kong's walled city. The fact that she didn't know a word of their language and was completely unfamiliar with their culture meant that it was from any natural perspective a totally stupid thing to do. But she has proved to be, over the past 40 years the most effective missionary from the UK in modern times. Helping mulitutdes of hopeless cases to break free from Heroin addiction without the help of medication and professional techniques she has been effective where government, trained police and percieved wisdom have failed. The sole differing factor is her faith in Jesus Christ.

This situation gives me hope. Should I go to the Phillippines in November? If God is calling me why shouldn't I? It encourages me to aim high where God leads me and let me have the grand privelidge of being a tool in his hands.

Disabled?

Two years ago I was diagnosed with a condition called Early Onset Parkinsonism that can make large parts of my body especially my right hand side seize up and become ineffective. In hindsight I believe I have had that condition all my life as I have always felt clumsy and uncoordinated and many skills other people take for granted such as driving are probably beyond me. It is embarassing because I want to appear normal and together in social situations but it can often be very difficult and tire me out.

But I percieve that there are advantages to this. Firstly, it helps me to prioritise. In the past I wasted my time on a lot of needless things, but because everything can take longer there is less room for such 'baggage'. Secondly, it slows me down even as the world rushes madly for no particular reason. Today I was able to appreciate all the blessings of my life. It causes me to consider the words of David the Psalmist 'that I am fearfully and wonderfully made'. One or two bits of my body are slightly below par but still amazing whereas other parts are simply wonderful. Yes, I may have a few small disabilities but an amazing number of abilities.

Beyond Dover Beach

I suppose in believing in an interventionist God I am a kind of inverted rebel. I have just watched a programme on BBCi player that focused on Dover Beach by Matthew Arnold where he speaks what at that time would have been the unspeakable. He is perhaps the first man of his era to formally deny the existence of God. But what kind of god was he denying, was it the concept of God widely held in the man made order of the Victorian era. A god believed in by the establishment- a mark of respectability? The fact remains that Jesus never favoured the established order and for this reason wasn't what was expected. Yes, he was for the most part law abiding but these were not the laws that he had personally created. He existed largely to point people beyond this temporary order to a new, contrasting, permanent one

Jesus's kingdom was not of this world

A rock amidst the turmoil of existence.

The world we live in is not an easy one. The writer George Orwell once commented that, on balance, the hard aspects of life tend to outweigh the pleasurable ones. Certainly there is an immensity of heartache and heartbreak in the world and frequently when I hear much of what is going on I can only shudder and sigh. I am thankful that in the light of this I can have faith in a God who in the Authorised King James version of the Bible is described as being 'without variation or shadow of turning'. In a world of such uncertainty, sorrow and fear it is good to know that 'Underneath are the Everlasting Arms'

Singleness

In recent times a lot of people have commented on my still being single. At times this can be difficult especially as I have been surrounded by couples who are younger than me. I have little doubt that people want and mean the best. Personally, however, I am not in a massive rush. There is a time and a season for everything and I love my freedom. I am also flattered at the many friends I have and the many activities that I can enter into. But I feel it has to be the right person and somehow I know that the right person is there - not because I deserve them - but because I am loved and blessed.

There is one interesting phenomena that I have noticed in recent times and this is that we can't control the way people think about us. One day I might share with a group of people what is really on my heart and, completely unexpectedly people might say 'That's wonderful Jeremy - you really encouraged us!'. As a result I might decide to polish the whole think and practice in front of the mirror and get it all 'word perfect' only to recieve no real response. It is somewhat disheartening and humbling but it keeps me in my place. The knowledge that I am loved is comfort enough.

Pascal and the Mystery of Life

I am very fond of the quotation of Pascal: 'The heart has reasons that reason does not know at all'. That all of us are more than just a collection of chemicals and that the sum of Man's scientific knowledge is rather less than the sum of Man. There are depths to individuals that no man made construct can measure and I think that we come closer to the truth when we recognise truth in its ultimate sense defies explanation or even a pinpoint definiton. Pascal was a scientist, a mathematician and the inventor of Calculus but saw so clearly his limitations in defining the universe. If a man of his calibre was humble then how much more should we be.

Being misunderstood can be a hard thing. Especially if you have a temperament like mine with a tendency to ruminate on what people think about you etc. But it is good at such times to know about a faithful, unchanging, unfailing God 'In whom there is no variation or shadow of turning'. It is good to know that such a God is just and true and truly vindicates and who is intimately concerned with all our affairs. For as Psalm 139 states 'before a word is on my lips you know it completely, O Lord'.

Psalm 139 can be scary but it is also immensely reassuring because it points to a God who knows the very worst intention of our heart but still loves us passionately with an everlasting love. A God who holds the whole world indeed the whole universe in the palm of his hands but still numbers the hairs on our head! Even though many, many, laugh and scoff at such a notion and even though this may deeply concern us. We can still comfort ourselves with the fact that 'no eye has seen, nor ear has heard nor has it entered into the heart of any man what God has prepared for those who love him'. The fact remains that it hasn't even entered any heart so the full comfort of the notion remains unreachable in this life. But we can still be reassured that 'underneath are the everlasting arms' and that 'nothing', (nothing,) can seperate us from the love of God which is in Jesus Christ our Lord' - Romans 8.

I have recently become more humble. In the past if somebody critisised me I used to go to great lengths to try and justify myself. The fact is that most criticisms have some validity and I am not in the business of correcting others. I am in the business of trying to make myself right. This is the only thing that I have control over. We all want to make the world a better place, how about starting with ourselves or even 'me'

Stand up the real Jeremy

I have reflected further about being real and have to admit that I have my weaknesses in this respect in as much as I have tended to erect a barrier around myself. In the past I have complained that people don't understand me and make judgements without knowing me. But the problem is that I don't give people much chance to get to know me. The origin of this is perhaps related to hiding large parts of me that I don't find attractive which fundamentally has its origins in inverted pride and a disagreement with God -because he likes me and made me the way I am. I am also coming to realise that rejections from other people often have their root in not seeing the real Jeremy in the first place. Perhaps the real Jeremy is a likeable person after all!!

No ultimate rejection

I have thought a bit about being real tonight. If everybody was real with each other how much simpler life would be. The problem is that if we are real and that is rejected that is the ultimate rebuke. At least if we are only partly real we can only get partially hurt. But then the flip side of this is that unless we are truly real we shall never know perfect acceptance. So being real can teach us both the heights and depths of true living. In relation to God we can be real with him when we know he truly accepts us as we are and when we are real with him we can be really accepted. That is the main reason why people endure all manner of torture, persecution and deprivation for the gospel. Because they know what will be returned to them shall far outweigh what has been lost.

We also know that if the gospel is rejected it is not ultimately us but Jesus and if we are real about who we are then it is God our creator who is rejected.

Sharing from the heart or lack of it.

I spent some of the evening with friends last night. They were people I respect, value, trust. The problem is that it all seems rather superficial. Nobody seems to really say what is on their heart. I feel that if I open up in this respect that I would make myself vulnerable. I try opening up from a distance in emails but there is a dearth of a response. I don't know what to do. As I say they are people whom I respect, value and trust and they are younger than me. It is probably the best kind of friendship/fellowship I can get There seems little alternative.

People are like icebergs. The greater part is hidden.

Looking for someone with whom to tie the knot

There are a good number of women looking for a man. Maybe there are some Women who are interested in me. But it is just so hard. You can't force feelings. You can't make yourself fall in love. How I wish I could. There are single women in my church and in my small group. There are two things that I don't want to do. I don't want to hurt somebody else and I don't want to get hurt myself. I would rather be single and alone than be with the wrong person. I am going to a Kayleigh this weekend (wrong spelling I know) and am concerned about asking people for a dance in case they get the wrong idea. I asked a girl for a dance at a Kayleigh either last year or the year before and she informed me that she was with another man. All I did was ask her for a dance. I didn't ask her to marry me.

There is only one Christian girl with whom I have ever had a crush and she can be really rude. If she doesn't feel like communicating then she won't even if you plead with her to talk. She will just ignore you and blow you out for an indefinite period. Maybe forever.

This is what I feel in my heart. That there is little point in asking somebody out unless you really think that they might well be the one. But when you feel hurt and lonely.........

creativity

Creatively I seem to be going through an amazing period. I am probably at the most productive period of guitar playing in my life. Just this afternoon some new song lyrics came to me for a song that I had recently composed and I felt really excited by the sentiments. On Thursday I am due to record it and a few others for which I have sharpened my guitar playing will hopefully be put up on Facebook and Youtube. Having played my version of Blowin in the wind at my mentorship classes and got an excellent reaction has encouraged me. Composing songs and even practising old composed songs is an encouragement like very little else.

I have also restarted short story writing. There have also been small encouragements with the writers group that I started to lead with a keen new contributer arriving this month. There has also been the inspiration of sharing 'alternate beatitudes' that have already met with positive feedback from several and which I hope to share in front of the church soon.

Communication

Communication is so central to human life and in so many ways it is inadequate. I have long believed that words hide as much as they reveal and so many people appear unable to say what they really think and in particular show their love. Modern communication in particular appears so limited in its scope. People have more opportunties to say what they have always wanted to say and yet so much that is said appears superficial.

One form of communication that transcends words is music. Recently I have taken to playing my guitar and writing songs on it. It can create a mood, a feeling and etch a series of words/thoughts into somebody's mind. Others find their outlet in painting, drawing, sculpture, acting, dance or poetry. If you perform a song people are usually quiet for the duration, you have their full attention and you can practice what you want to say and the method. Guitar playing is also a release.

I long to communicate.

On seeing Dead Poets Society again

On Wednesday I saw Dead Poets society for the second time. It struck me anew the idea of sacrificial martyrdom. The idea that there are people who through their principled stand against restrictive norms in society, institutions etc: cause tension, disruption and eventually freedoms that follow. But the people who bring these freedoms become martyrs themselves. Such was the case of flamboyant, unconventional English teacher in Dead Poets Society John Keating played by Robin Williams. His encouragement of expression and denouncing of restrictive conformity eventually gained him the scapegoat position for a students suicide. But hopefully this would make the boys academy a little less stifling for future intakes. It is the pattern for all progression in all walks of life. A pattern that finds its fultillment in Jesus - the ultimate sacrifice.