Various Thoughts

As a leader of a writer's group I place a great emphasis on productivity. Between November and January I had a spate of inspiration whilst in recent months my creative 'muse' appears to have run dry. One factor is that I was being influenced over the productive period by the desire to write. I don't currently have the desire. I am wondering whether I should force or push myself or alternatively run with my inclination. When I write things and sometimes even when I merely speak, words appear to emerge that are beyond what I feel that I could put together on the basis of my own abilities and experiences. It appears as if something else kicks in. Some things I attempt struggle to get off the ground whether other things fly and glide with grace.

I continually feel that I am pursuing something delicate on the perifery of my vision and if I try too hard I will somehow negate it. I am also not sure what kind of judge I am of my own output. Sometimes I write and say something that I find distinctly mediocre and people react by saying how wonderful it was. Uplifted and encouraged I write the same thing again only to be met with a stony silence. Somebody once said that perseverence is the key to life. Well it is certainly important together with a strong sense of self respect. Not to be ruled by the opinions of others. Sometimes you will be loved, sometimes hated, sometimes laughed at, sometimes ignored, sometimes applauded. Often a person's reaction will say more about that other person than you.

Uncertainty

There is one certainty in life which is that virtually nothing is certain. In late 2004 my place of work closed down and in early 2006 the same thing happened. Thankfully I worked for the NHS so on both occasions had a sideways move. In recent years I have heard about a couple of people I know suddenly dying and have known other instances of people suddenly disappearing. There have been other concerns such as Bird flu and Swine Flu and I have heard conflicting reports about the current credit crunch and about the likelihood possible immanent environmental catastrophy. There is, however, one absolute certainty which is physical death. The poet Philip Larkin rightly observed in one of his last pieces: 'most things might never happen, this one will.....'

The question remains 'What lies beyond?'

Friendships are fragile

One clear conclusion to which I have come in recent weeks is that friendships can be fragile. Even one sentence not adequately thought through can cause a person to go running and the previous 100 sentences are, it seems, soon forgotten. Maybe there were 4 or 5 things wrong with my previous 100 sentences but I wasn't told so I continue in blissful ignorance. If I am fortunate some well meaning person will alert me to maybe 2-3 of the things that I said that did the damage and if I am fortunate the person that ran off will return although this isn't always the case. The problem is that there is a danger of over compensating for the loss and if somebody doesn't reply more can be read into it than simple reluctance to communicate: they could be busy or away or not very good at sharing their feelings.

In the words of TS Eliot from Ash Wednesday 'teach me to care and not to care'. In other words care enough about other people to demonstrate love but don't allow personal feelings to be too upset if somebody kicks you in the teeth as a result of caring. It was Eliot again who said in his Four Quartets that 'Humankind can't take too much reality'. I have to accept too that I share in that state myself. For not only is it true that we should 'be gentle with (our)selves' but we owe it to others to be gentle with them too.

Dealing with people / No man is an Island

People are the most complex and awkward things to deal with. It is possible to get annoyed and irritated with inanimate things but not be deeply wounded or hurt. Furthermore inanimate things cannot misunderstand or deliberately misrepresent. They remain as they are left give or take a very slow form of natural erosion. Even animals have a predictabity about them. But even a complete misanthrope cannot claim total independence. After all most inanimate objects were created by and for humans and many such as computers exist largely to enrich and enable human communication. The misanthrope himself owes his very existence to an activity between human beings and a nurturing from the same.

Yes only that which is human can truly break a person's heart although true healing can only come from that source. There is a song by Simon & Garfuncle called 'I am a Rock' portraying isolation as ultimately a barrier from being totally human and ends tellingly with the words 'And a rock sheds no tears and an island never cries' as if tears (along with heartache and heartbreak together with hope and healing) are the ultimate sign of being human.

And being human is what we are created to be.

Blessing in Disguise

One thing about many kinds of adversity is that it frequently opens the door to blessing. Over the past week or so I have been laid low by a condition called Early Onset Parkinsonism. This has made walking and moving around very difficult. But this setback has provided a setting for various pleasant situations. I live centrally and am very close to the shops. I live very close to my local church from where I get so much support. I have recently suffered from back pain and have discovered a very reasonable Osteopath service again very close to where I live. Apart from havng a nearby park, a nearby river and being able to hear birds sing and leaves russle in the sunny morning. I have ease of communication via emails, facebook, a landlne etc, a colour TV, a guitar I enjoy playing and much else.