Sharing from the heart or lack of it.

I spent some of the evening with friends last night. They were people I respect, value, trust. The problem is that it all seems rather superficial. Nobody seems to really say what is on their heart. I feel that if I open up in this respect that I would make myself vulnerable. I try opening up from a distance in emails but there is a dearth of a response. I don't know what to do. As I say they are people whom I respect, value and trust and they are younger than me. It is probably the best kind of friendship/fellowship I can get There seems little alternative.

People are like icebergs. The greater part is hidden.

Looking for someone with whom to tie the knot

There are a good number of women looking for a man. Maybe there are some Women who are interested in me. But it is just so hard. You can't force feelings. You can't make yourself fall in love. How I wish I could. There are single women in my church and in my small group. There are two things that I don't want to do. I don't want to hurt somebody else and I don't want to get hurt myself. I would rather be single and alone than be with the wrong person. I am going to a Kayleigh this weekend (wrong spelling I know) and am concerned about asking people for a dance in case they get the wrong idea. I asked a girl for a dance at a Kayleigh either last year or the year before and she informed me that she was with another man. All I did was ask her for a dance. I didn't ask her to marry me.

There is only one Christian girl with whom I have ever had a crush and she can be really rude. If she doesn't feel like communicating then she won't even if you plead with her to talk. She will just ignore you and blow you out for an indefinite period. Maybe forever.

This is what I feel in my heart. That there is little point in asking somebody out unless you really think that they might well be the one. But when you feel hurt and lonely.........

creativity

Creatively I seem to be going through an amazing period. I am probably at the most productive period of guitar playing in my life. Just this afternoon some new song lyrics came to me for a song that I had recently composed and I felt really excited by the sentiments. On Thursday I am due to record it and a few others for which I have sharpened my guitar playing will hopefully be put up on Facebook and Youtube. Having played my version of Blowin in the wind at my mentorship classes and got an excellent reaction has encouraged me. Composing songs and even practising old composed songs is an encouragement like very little else.

I have also restarted short story writing. There have also been small encouragements with the writers group that I started to lead with a keen new contributer arriving this month. There has also been the inspiration of sharing 'alternate beatitudes' that have already met with positive feedback from several and which I hope to share in front of the church soon.

Communication

Communication is so central to human life and in so many ways it is inadequate. I have long believed that words hide as much as they reveal and so many people appear unable to say what they really think and in particular show their love. Modern communication in particular appears so limited in its scope. People have more opportunties to say what they have always wanted to say and yet so much that is said appears superficial.

One form of communication that transcends words is music. Recently I have taken to playing my guitar and writing songs on it. It can create a mood, a feeling and etch a series of words/thoughts into somebody's mind. Others find their outlet in painting, drawing, sculpture, acting, dance or poetry. If you perform a song people are usually quiet for the duration, you have their full attention and you can practice what you want to say and the method. Guitar playing is also a release.

I long to communicate.

On seeing Dead Poets Society again

On Wednesday I saw Dead Poets society for the second time. It struck me anew the idea of sacrificial martyrdom. The idea that there are people who through their principled stand against restrictive norms in society, institutions etc: cause tension, disruption and eventually freedoms that follow. But the people who bring these freedoms become martyrs themselves. Such was the case of flamboyant, unconventional English teacher in Dead Poets Society John Keating played by Robin Williams. His encouragement of expression and denouncing of restrictive conformity eventually gained him the scapegoat position for a students suicide. But hopefully this would make the boys academy a little less stifling for future intakes. It is the pattern for all progression in all walks of life. A pattern that finds its fultillment in Jesus - the ultimate sacrifice.